So i made it through my first year…its kinda like a dream looking back…it flew by so fast…..but yet…it feels like a life time ago..like it was a different me. It still breaks my heart and saddens me to think of that lost broken..hopeless, little girl i had become. The progression was long and slow, but it ultimately took over and took everything from me. I ended up homeless, alone in a drug and alcohol induced stupor 24 hours a day, just to face my exsistence, hoping everyday would be my last on earth. Sure i had “aquaintences” out there, but i learned real quick you have no friends and trust no one. Everyone is out for themselves out there. Just reinforced my belief that the world was cold and mean and gave me more reasons to numb my disgust with society..as well as myself.
My disease progressed to the point i was no longer even reaching out to my family..not my children.i had decided i was probably going to die one way or the other pretty soon, and i didnt want them remembering me this way anyway…so this was best i justified to myself.
One day my phone was stolen. I thought that was great because now i really had no way to reach anyone so i no longer had to feel guilty about it. So i went on running the streets and using for a few weeks. My ex husband became concerned and he and my sons came looking for me..ofcourse i am unaware of this at the time. As i am completely intoxicated and high…i hear someone calling me..i finally find the voice…its my son..they found me..hes watching me…i am dirty..i am obliviated..i am drinking out of a bottle of vodka at a train station…i am mortified..i feel worse then i ever have in my life..all i can do is cry and run to go get more high and drunk.
I dont think any high could numb that guilt and shame. I called south oaks within a couple of weeks. That moment still sticks in my head. I believe that was my divine intervention. I dont believe anything else would have saved me..but the look of my oldest sons’ eyes looking at me..and Gods Grace and guidance…led me to a whole new life..a whole to perspective..only 365 days later….that truly is a miracle year!